Oh Indy, Where are ye?

So I’ve just seen Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of Crystal Skulls. I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s called, because quite frankly it was as forgettable as something that might have ended up on Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Guy Fleegman, in Galaxy Quest asked a question, "Did you guys even watch the show?” That’s what I’d like to ask George Lucas and Steven Spielberg. “Have you even seen the last three Indiana Jones movies?” For George I know what his answer would be, “Uh…no not really. Haven’t seen them in a while. Are they any good?” Plus we already know that when he did the Star Wars prequels, that he didn’t bother to watch the three he already produced. But that’s another entry.

Steven on the other hand might have said, “Yes, and I’ll tell you, I really loved Temple of Doom. So much, I think I’ll do it again.”

I can only shake my head.

Now, I liked Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. I think I’m only one of about five people that liked it. But I find it hard to understand how people could have said they didn’t like Temple of Doom, but this was acceptable as movies go.

And if you haven’t seen it, SPOILER ALERT, I’m going to talk about some of the movie here, and I don’t know how much I may reveal, so you can either stop reading now, watch the movie and come back if you care, or you can read what I have to say, make your own judgment and we can discuss.

The sadness started from the very beginning. The entire Area 51 thing seemed silly to me. The Russians are after the alien bodies from the Roswell crash. Uh…(shake of the head). When they opened up the warehouse for the first time and we see the stacks of crates my thought was, “Great, they want the Ark of the Covenant! Nice way to start. Indy will thwart them in some manner and then we will get on with the rest of the film. Nice.”

See, I had seen the other films, and at the beginning of each of them there was a throwaway plot. Indy gets the Incan idol with a narrow escape, only to have it snatched away from Belloq. An exciting and fun beginning that had no connection with the rest of the film save to introduce our hero and his nemesis. Then, there was the Temple of Doom; Indy delivers the ashes of some emperor from antiquity for a diamond of some sort, poison, shots, a riot, hilarity ensues, then he ends up in India for the rest of the movie. Then we had Last Crusade, where we see a young Indiana Jones going for some artifact, to have it taken away from him (see the pattern here?) then a flash forward to him getting it back. Mission accomplished, we move on with the rest of the movie.

But not here. No, here we get tossed right at the beginning of the plot, and the thing the Russians are after, (alien crap – no less) is integral to the rest of the movie.

Having lost something (again, but he didn’t even know what it was he lost), he wanders into the only good joke of the film, a small fake town that is about to be destroyed in a nuclear test. How does he survive, when the entire town is obliterated? He gets into a lead lined refrigerator, which miraculously gets blown upward, outward an he still gets out safely. As far as I was concerned he died at that moment. And when I got to the end of the movie, I was positive that he was dying in that fridge, and this was the final gasps of consciousness from a dying man.

Fans might say, “Well, he’s survived other dangerous things, like the icy seas of the Pacific strapped to the periscope of a German sub,” or “He jumped out of an airplane with a rubber raft,” or “He escaped from a burning building, a collapsing building, etc. etc.” I agree with all that. But even for all that, his escapes were, or seemed, grounded in a realism, a plausibility that made you laugh, maybe slap your head and guffaw. It was fun. With this, he magically gets thrown over and survives, when a car with a couple of American servicemen is engulfed in the shockwave and are killed.

That’s pretty much the beginning. And it’s all downhill from there.

The sad thing is, they make no bones at all about the alien connection here. They could have, say, not shown us that the crate was from Roswell. Not given us the scene with Special Agent in Charge Jan Itor, where Indy then tells us things about crashes, odd metal, funny little bodies and all. When they see a representation of a crystal skull, the audience isn’t shocked or surprised, we already know…it’s an alien skull they’re after. When we see the real crystal skull, it looks like it was an H.R. Giger throwaway.

The rest of the movie was basically one big chase, and not even a good one at that. More on that in a minute.

The thing missing the most? The heart. That’s what was missing the most. In the three previous movies there was always a moment that was touching in some manner. Marion and Indy on the ship, Indy and Willie trying to get ready to bed one another, Indy and his father on airship, “Well what do you want to talk about?” Those are just the ones I remember without going back to the movies.

Discovery was missing too. As I said above, the filmmakers make no bones about what they want you to know, and the actors are pretty much right there too. There was no “discovery moment” like Indy in the map room, with the great music and that smile on his face when he has the correct location of the Well of Souls, or when he sees the stone things in Temple of Doom, or when they find the grail in “Crusade.” The movie was a simple A, B, C, story, and when we see Marion for the first time…everyone’s reaction was almost like, “Hey, haven’t seen you for a few days, how did that ice cream social you went to last week go?” No surprise, no warmth.

We find that Indiana is a father. Which is funny because I read one review that said, “They hint at Shai Laboof, (I know that isn’t how to spell his name. He doesn’t really warrant my caring enough to research the real spelling) is his son. I had a buddy at work who said the same thing, “They hint,” he said. Hint? Hint? Here’s the hint:

“Indy, he’s your son.”

“What?”

“He’s your son. His name is Henry Jones III.”

It wasn’t a wonder he looked puzzled. I didn’t get the hint either. A friend had to explain it to me after the movie when I said, “Were they trying to tell us that Marion and Indy had a kid?”

If you couldn’t hear me jesting there…never mind.

But his reaction? She may as well have said, “Indy, I can’t remember, do you like butter on your toast, or margarine?”

In Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn, Kirk, played by a wholly inferior actor to Harrison Ford, displays far more emotional depth when he sees the son he hasn’t seen in…ever. “My god, Carol, is that David?” Was one short line, and in that we all went, CRAP that’s his kid!

“Butter, honey. I like butter on my toast.”

Pretty much all it was.

Time magazine mentioned in the only review of the movie I read, that there was this spectacular chase scene in trucks that “rivaled the exciting action from the first movie.” I Beg to differ. For one, it seemed longer than that truck chase, and it was all green screen with some of the worst effects I’ve ever seen. I know special effects can do things that were impossible back in the day, but part of the greatness of the last three Indiana Jones movies was the stunt work. You could feel the danger, feel the punches, the crunching fenders, and when blood hit the camera, it was not computer generated, it was something hitting the camera. It all felt genuine.

This chase was an impossible fight straddling two cars that would have felt right at home in a super hero movie. Really…if Shy Laboof, Lepoof,? Whatever his name was, and Cate Blanchett were wearing tights, then maybe the fight would have been better, because we all know that super heroes can defy physics because that’s what their powers help them to do. And here’s another thing about the fight. I’m a guy, and I have a set of balls like many other guys in the world. If a stiff wind hits our balls the wrong way, our voice goes up an octave or two and we all…and I mean all of us, double over in pain. Apparently Shay, She, Shed (?) has no balls, because he’s straddling two jeeps, and he’s hit several times by branches smack dab in his genital area. This, by the way, isn’t an insult to the actor, but really, to the director and the shameful producer. But I suppose when you are as powerful as Lucas and Spielberg no one is going to tell you what to do.

And that’s the saddest thing about it all. These guys are rich enough, powerful enough, and one would think, have enough talent to put out a good movie. Instead, all of it reeked, and I do mean REEKED of “let’s make money.”

I got free tickets to see any movie I wanted, and I used it on this film, and quite frankly was ripped off. Again. Free Tickets. Ripped Off.

There was a story, a long time ago, that went like this.

Harrison Ford starred in some movies that were not very good, or very well received. Mosquito Coast, Frantic, Working Girl, Presumed innocent, Regarding Henry, all pretty much failures (regardless of whether or not he was good, they were still failures). He picked up the phone to his agent and said, “I don’t care what you have to do, get me an action film.” See, I think the guy knew, instinctively, that he was really just an “action star,” and that was his thing.

The agent came back with Patriot Games. Alec Baldwin made a mistake, “You can’t make these Tom Clancy movies without me. I created Jack Ryan.” His mistake revived Ford’s career for a time. The Fugitive, Clear and Present Danger, Air Force One, all movies that were fair to middling. But he understood.

Of course it was all downhill after those things. Six Days, Seven Nights, did anyone other than Ellen DeGeneres see that movie? (and I can’t believe I just looked up how to spell her name. I can’t stand her – so I guess that means, I must respect her more than Shane Lebuffy). What Lies Beneath? K-19? Firewall? I’m a Harrison Ford fan, and I only saw K-19, and to tell the truth because it had both Harrison Ford and Liam Neeson. It wasn’t good either.

So when I heard they were going to make another Indiana Jones movie, I thought, “Yes, Harrison Ford wants to come back, but c’mon, he’s 60ish.”

When I heard they were going to keep it in “real time,” meaning they were going to age him appropriately, I thought, “Cool, maybe they aren’t just in it for the cash. Maybe they’ll make a good film.”

It’s been out 2 weeks. Sex in the City beat it out this week. A larger insult I can’t think of. My friend that went with me was shocked that there were only about 12 people (Saturday Night) in the theater. That included us. 12 people. Again, with the shake of the head.

The movie went on. I had hoped to see Roy Neary somewhere, but alas it wasn’t to be.

The movie concludes, and we are treated to a “revelation.” Aliens were collectors, “Archeologists,” Indy says, with pride in his voice. Then a flying saucer takes off at some point, killing a bunch of bad guys, and Cate Blancett, first with fire, then by destroying her body, much like all of the bad guys in the last three Indy movies.

During the escape, I swear it looked like they were walking, when they should have been running. Maybe they were all tired. Shai, was the only one under the age of fifty, and really, two of the other four were over 60, leaving Marion (who’s real name I can’t remember at this time…Karen Allen, it just came to me, Karen Allen was her name), somewhere between fifty and sixty. Yeah, they were walking, I’m sure.

That was another thing. There were no consequences this time. In Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indy gets into a spectacular fight, then chase, then fight and chase, and at the end of it all, he can barely walk. Sallah hugs him and he winces, Marion tries to clean him up and he’s stiff and can barely walk. There are small scenes in the other two movies like this as well. What does Dr. Jones give us at the end of this? “You don’t want to walk in the forest at night, boy.” He’s not sore, or bothered at all.

I was. Bothered and Sore.

Oh Indy. I’d say come back, but to use a refrain artists don’t like to hear, “I liked your earlier stuff more.”

0043 EDT